It Ain’t Over ‘til I Say it’s Over!

I have started to speak with a cancer psychologist about my thoughts with regards to having had cancer. In my first session, she explained that it is only now after the cancer has gone that I am beginning to experience the shock of the entire experience from diagnosis to surgery. In order to process it healthily, she has advised I face what I am feeling instead of masking it. In this blog, I am attempting to do just that. So, I apologise now for it not being one of my most positive reads.

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Chemtrails

It’s been a month since I was told that I am cancer-free. I can’t stress enough how much of a relief that is. It’s amazing! But there is a caveat. I know this because I keep hearing Cancer’s voice creeping into my thoughts: “It ain’t over ‘til I say it’s over” she warns menacingly. The worst thing is, I know she speaks the truth.

I know exactly what she means, because I have already seen the evidence. What she means by ‘it’, is the horror and terror that reigns at the mere mentioning of her name. I may have gotten a green pass for now but being a new member of the Cancer Community, I am seeing online friends from all over the world still doing their utmost best to oust her from their lives. I watch the updates praying for a great outcome for them but with each tale of metastasis, further chemo treatment and trips to Mexico to find a cure, I get extremely fearful. I am terrified at the thought that cancer is surreptitiously steaming through their cells like a submarine carrying a ballistic missile. The damage she can do is uncontrollable. She takes away lives, loved-ones, hopes, dreams, aspirations, new families, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters. I could go on.

…and I feel all of this.

Every time I see the TV adverts begging for help to find a cure, every time I hear someone new gets a diagnosis, every time I feel a twinge in the place she was removed, every time I see someone living an extremely unhealthy lifestyle, every time a person feels awkward around me because (I assume) they can’t deal with the notion of me having had cancer, every time I crave sugar and indulge but then wonder if I am feeding some undetected cancer, every time I see a chemtrail, every time I see my daughter frown at the vegan meal I made for her because she would prefer chicken, every time I hear of someone’s cancer returning

I feel it.

She makes me feel it!

Every time.

So I guess, until I find some other evidence to counteract the narrative, she is right: it ain’t over ’til she says it is.

Bangin’ Joints & Cancer

I remember about 2 weeks before my mastectomy surgery, I was getting ready for a party. It’s was my friend Petra’s 20170520_220419 40th birthday so it was a big deal. I was looking forward to celebrating with her. I knew there would great people, tasty food and some bangin’ joints (just to be clear that means ‘extra good music’, not any other kind of joint). I hadn’t been out for a few months prior to this night and I was particularly keen to release some tension on the dance floor (I love to dance) as the last few weeks had been considerably taxing mentally.

I had put on my favourite white shorts playsuit, pulled my hair up into a curly bun and was applying my make up in the mirror. I had DJ Milktray playing in the background. He is a motivational DJ from London who knows how to hype up the airwaves. I was swaying whilst applying the finishing touches to my mascara. My mood was that of excitement and ready to par-tay! “You look good” I thought to myself and I admired the image staring back at my entire being.

Then it was if someone had yanked out the plug from my mp3 player, switched the bedroom light off and a shone a harsh spotlight under my chin. You know the kind of lighting that shows up every bump, lump and blemish? For the first time, I looked at myself seriously as all those wonderful feelings fell to the floor like a broken vase and were replaced by a hunk of dead mass in my insides oozing with the pains of my current situation. “…but you have cancer”. For the first time in 4 weeks, it had finally hit home. I had cancer; it was very real. It whacked me like a mallet to the head.

Officially Cancer-Free

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Posted on Facebook on 23.7.17

It has taken a while to post this as I have been getting my head around the news. Of course I am happy, relieved and grateful but I am also very conscious of how lucky I am. I don’t know why I have survived and others have not. Also, as I can never be classed as ‘cured’ I cannot act as if things go back to normal. I can never go back to my pre-cancer utopia.

What I do is understand that I have been blessed and that my creator clearly has other plans for me. Equally, I will be doing my best to become cancer-educated and share those lessons with those who wish to listen.

I have been given an opportunity to review my life and where I’m heading. Having been faced with my own mortality, I am so much more aware of the need to embrace my life fully. Not to do so would be disrespectful of those who wish they have the opportunity I do. So, there it is, I am cancer-free. I just wish all those affected by it, were/are able to say these words. Thank you to everyone that has sent their thoughts, cards, flowers and have prayed. I continue to recover physically and emotionally but for the first time in 3 months, I can start seriously planning for the future again.

I am blessed.

Thank you God! ❤️❤️❤️